dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
pop tarts are not kleenex
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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