I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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