true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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