You can't special order awesome
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
