By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
