She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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