Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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