I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
