The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
