he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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