i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
