You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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