Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
