I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
