You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I had to cum in my sink.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
