I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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