Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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