i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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