Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
