what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
