...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
