I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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