I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
