god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
