I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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