drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
