I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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