his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
