I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
