Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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