Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
