You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
