So drunk its hurt
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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