I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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