I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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