I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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