but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Come see our sink grown plant.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
