Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
