I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
