my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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