fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
