so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
