and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
