If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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