I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
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Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
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It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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