what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
