in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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