the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
