you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
