I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
