I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
