____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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