Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
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It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
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you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
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