wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
