barbara walters just said penis...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
