you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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