Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Randomize
