It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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