I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
