Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just had sex on a roof
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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