I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
you made out with another girl for some wings
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
