the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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